I Climbed a Mountain with My Mom

I had a dream I was climbing a mountain with my Mom.

She was in the lead, fearlessly braving huge canyons and steep cliffs.

I was terrified, but her look of calm reassured me that all would be well.

We reached the top and sat and watched the valley, surveying our climb together.

There were no words, only hugs.

I then woke up, but know that in this climb tomorrow where I welcome Atticus to the world,

My Mom will be there.

Birthday Letter to my Scarlet

My Darling Scarlet,

Our nightly ritual is a nuggle while we recount your good deeds. Your heart is generous and truthful, you give more than you take. You think of others first. My heart swells each morning when you find me first thing, waiting to start your day until after you’ve given me love. You are love.

I see your heart break every time you realize you’ve made a mistake. A slight reprimand from me brings swallowed back tears and sincere apologies. I worry you think my love wanes when a mistake is made.

Nothing could be farther from the truth. 

I want you to live a life full of mistakes. I want you to wake in the morning and face the day fully expecting mistakes to kiss you goodbye at the door, follow you on your way, and nuggle you to sleep at night. Mistakes are a sign of a life well-lived. Fear of making a mistake robs you of life, robs you of being human. And you are human, my sweet dolly. So human. And I am grateful. I don’t want a robot for a daughter. I want a wild-haired, bloody-kneed, foul-mouthed, kind-hearted, self-sacrificing, honest-to-a-fault, can’t-pass-a-baby-without-kissing-it, daughter. I want you. All of it.

I think a better nighttime ritual would be to spend some time laughing at our mistakes. The bustle of the day is done, mistakes were made, and now we can dissect them. Let’s bring them down to size. Let’s take away the fear of imperfection. The fear of being human. Let’s change our goal from being perfect, to being self-aware. 

Perfection isn’t possible, your Savior knows that. Mistakes are the only way back to him. And I promise you want to get back to him. He is peace, happiness, light, joy, love. He does not fear your mistakes. He loves you for trying. He loves you for living. He loves you. Always.

Mistakes were made, and hallelujah for that. 

Love you forever and a day,
Mom

Hands

Something happens to you when you are present for a loved one's death. It's unexplainable.

I was holding both my parent's hands during their final moments on earth. In death, both of their hands were nothing like what they were in life.

My dad's hands at his death were weak, bony, and fragile. Words I would never have used to describe my father. Strong and kind, his hands were warn and calloused from work. Big and comforting, I remember holding them and counting the freckles, all the while feeling safe knowing those hands loved me and took care of me.

My mom's hands at death were bloated and fleshy; nothing like her delicate hands in life. She had gorgeous hands that were masters of the piano, organ, and cello. They were sinuous and strong, yet always soft and gentle. She used those hands to raise ten children with equal parts strength and sweet. I loved my mom's hands and often wished mine were exactly the same.

I now hold my children's hands and wonder if they memorize my hands the way I memorized my parents. I hope they find comfort in my hands. I hope they feel safe when holding their Father's hands. I hope the years of tickles, diaper changes, bum pinches, cooking lessons, cartwheel lessons, owie kissing, hair playing, scripture reading, foot massaging, school homework, dance/piano/soccer, never-ending sacrament meetings, clean blitzing, and praying, show my kids the love my flawed hands have for them.

I have memorized my Savior's hands, marked and scarred for me. Through my trials I have become closely acquainted with my Savior and his unending atonement. He's turned any feelings of resentment and pain, to peace and gratitude that I am so blessed.

I can't wait for that final day when the Savior will hopefully look at my hands, worn and calloused, and tell me, "Well done. Way to use them up."

Alice's 9 Year Birthday Letter

My Alice,

I am so proud of the person you are becoming. You are observant, kind, whip smart and lovely. I see you now figuring out how the world works and where you fit in. But I have a secret for you, my love; you are not meant to fit in. You are meant to make your own way and inspire others to do the same. Today at your birthday party, you looked at your friends and told me you have the best friends because no one cared about what you looked like, they all just cared about the person you are. I am amazed that at age nine you figured this out! You have those amazing friends because YOU are that amazing friend. The secret is to find out what makes you happy and peaceful, then be brave enough to follow that. Others, the right type of others, will follow.

My hope for you is to keep on being brave enough to think for yourself, to be more kind than you sometimes feel, and to always have the strength to look to God first.

Your Heavenly Parents know you better than you know yourself. Talk to them about everything; your plans, dreams and fears, and I promise they are listening and working for your good. They want you to use your precious gift of agency to become your best self. They've known you for millennias. They made you from star dust and they don't make copies. There is only one you.

I am so grateful for my star. I love you for millennias and more.

Love,

Mom

Scarlet's 7 Year Birthday Letter

My darling Scarlet,

As you turn seven I marvel at the blessing it is to be your mother. You are a special soul filled with love and nurturing. I've often thought of us in heaven before we came here. I know we were best friends who decided to do this earth life together. You knew I needed you. I am honored you let me be your mom. You teach me to forgive everyone, everything, everyday. You have a heart that sees the best in everyone and you share that with them. You have positivity and humor that shines and lights us all. I am grateful you are my daughter. I am grateful you are my teacher. I am grateful you are you.

I love you for ever and always,

Momma

To wake with his kiss and fall asleep in his arms, I am blessed he holds the bookends of my days.
Amidst the delightful chaos sent to distract us, I promise to always find you at the bookends.

Atticus 1 Year Letter

OH! My sweet baby! You might be confused if your name is Atticus or Baby, cause I use them both about the same. You are my baby, and I just want to halt time, so I can have your baby-ness forever.

You are such a special spirit. The second you were born, I knew you were sent here to make our family complete. I cannot imagine life without my baby, Atticus. Your laughter and ready smile make every day a delight. I sometimes make you stay up late, because I just want to bask in your attention and love. You were sent to earth at a rough time for me as both my parents passed away. But, I know Heavenly Father loves me and is mindful of me because he sent YOU to me during that time. I cannot help but be happy every time I look at you. I am so proud to be your mother, and I love you more that you will ever know.

Thank you for turning what could have been a hard year, into the best year of my life. I LOVE YOU!!